Loved and Lost

This is not a love letter.


A friend told me once we never were. I knew you sometime around April, up till now there was no goodbye. No closure. We never even laid eyes on each other. But I fell that much, that hard.


I never thought I could love someone as much as this. You're almost impossible to reach.
We were known to be one sweet couple, a perfect match. People would see the intensity of our love by the time and effort we spent for each other inspite the crazy timezones. My friends would usually smile and tease for the "UNLIMITED" phone time from work and out. I missed all the planning, the giggles, the teases, and petty arguments.


You were the talker, I, the listener. You usually get pissed when I do not answer but just so you know, your voice had always been like a balm to ease my stresses at work. A comfy pillow my heart could just cuddle with all the time. Hearing you talk nonstop made me feel human... and loved. Those Facebook posts and tags on each others wall that made every girl envy me to be the most loved by a wonderful guy. To this day, I look fondly upon these memories as something I will cherish for the rest of my life.


I started to withdraw on that day we had a misunderstanding about family. Not mine. Not yours. But  "OURS" supposedly. Yes I want kids but only two. I have reasons and I was just being my honest idealistic self. I do not want my future kids to suffer. Economy nowadays is diving downwards and growing up basically competitive I know full well how hard it is for kids to even get proper education. And I wanted it for you. For me to give you the attention you deserve as a husband. I wanted to enjoy every moment and everyday we are together with the kids and during our solitary oneness.


I can say I had my share of mistakes. While you were the straightforward one, I decided to handle the hurt myself. Instead of talking it over with you, which you insisted rather non-stop, I kept my cool. The hurt built in. The bitterness piled up.You started talking to other women. I started to get jealous. I would call you and hear a female voice on the other line. When asked what she is doing at your apartment you would casually tell me you're both playing domino. How in the world can a woman stay up late at a man's apartment without any intention of something dirty??


Don't get me wrong, I'm not being malicious. You gave me the reason to think otherwise. If you were honest in taking care of my feelings you wouldn't do that. If I was really special, you shouldn't be playing with fire. But inspite of it I trusted you. It was a decision that backfired in the way that I am forever grateful for.


Then the trail started. One liner messages. Unanswered phone calls. The thread were mostly mine. I needed always to ask what have you been up to, where did you go? You end up irritated for my nosey-ness.


Remember me asking you to have your facebook password? I never intended to really do it. I totally respected your privacy. I put you to the test. And you failed. It sort of sealed the deal when you decided to end it all of a sudden. I’ll never know what actually happened that time, and to assume your guilt is only to prove my mistrust.


We struggled through the next weeks that followed. I kinda settled to the saying, "What you do not know won't hurt you." I dived downhill. You drove me away without you noticing it. I started not to ask questions. I taught myself not to be jealous. I forced myself rather to be okay. To act "okay".


It was all you. You taught me how be NUMB. I embraced it oh so tightly you never noticed me slipping away. You acted as if my feelings meant nothing. You wanna be happy.. what about me??


You've always questioned my love just because I cannot give up my values and principles. You have your idea of what love should be which is totally contradictory to mine. Yet still I stood by you. I defended you. You constantly reminded me that I never pleased you; that I'm incapable of it. I was blinded; I heard love did that. You tend to forget who really are just to keep the person you love; just to keep the flame burning.


Then she came. For all I know she was already there lurking around the corner while we were together. She was just waiting for the perfect time to get in the picture. And she did! (CLAP..CLAP..CLAP!!)


I knew the details only lately and started to fit the puzzle.You were forced (..I doubt it) to let her hear you breaking up with me over the phone. Just to make her happy. It broke my heart big time. But you came calling after an hour for us to be together again. Stupid me, I said yes. And the pattern started. ON, OFF. ON, OFF.

Women after women yet you kept telling me I'm the ONE. I'm so tired of the pattern. I found myself lost in the labyrinth I almost never found my way back. Too many times I found myself drowned in my own pool of tears. One day I woke up knowing the butterflies are dead. I gave up. Ours was a lost case. I could never change you and I never intend to.
 
Your betrayal made me drove away every potential love that came right after. You were so careless and insensitive. You know what hurts though? Everyone who knew about us would say, "Those sparkles were different with D****. Your chemistry was totally amazing!" Well it WAS. Not anymore.


Despite it all I thank God for the redemption. Grace found me at my lowest. When I thought I could no longer get back on track, here I am declaring that my faith has healed me. Of all the chances I was given to start anew, I kept failing but there was HOPE.  I knew all along that God was behind this all. He allowed me to be crushed into pieces to realize that He alone can mend the impossible.


Now I've taken the road less traveled as what they say. I've never been better. Your betrayal made me realize my worth as a woman. I don't need to bother myself with people who only consider me to be an option. I need not prove the validity of my existence by having a sturdy, good looking man beside me. I deserve better than that.


If not for you I wouldn't have realized the bliss of strumming my guitar singing for the Author of Love itself. I wouldn't know the joy in sharing what I have with others. You made me value the friendship I've established with people worth keeping. You've taught me to be strong inspite the distance, to trust inspite the pain, and to Love inspite the uncertainties. Along the way I learned to love others and GOD deeply any word I can form in my mind to describe it would be an understatement.




So baby, what's the point of all this?




I want you to know that I'm totally okay now. I didn't lose a diamond, you did. At one point in my life I thought I was a better person for having loved you, I should have known better. It was in losing you that I became the stronger, beautiful version of myself. I take it as God's redemptive plan of saving me from future disaster.


I want you to know that you will always be loved. You hold that special place in my heart. At one point I need to remind myself that there is something in you I find rather irresistible. All those fun memories will always be cherished. And if in case I'm gonna be asked if I felt loved by you,... YES. You did love me as much as I did. We were not just meant for each other. There were a lot of extra luggage I never wanna carry around. It was hard to accept but still I had to move on despite the heartache. I finally flourished in the aftermath.


So instead of playing the blame game for being loved and lost, I wanna thank you. Thank you for the love and for making me feel that I am the most beautiful person you've ever met. I wanna let you know that I already have forgiven you for letting me slip away. I've forgiven myself too for not fighting for us. Despite all the roller coaster of emotions, I do wish you well.


I hope you'll find the girl who will drive you to be a better person. I wish she'd be more caring and understanding. I pray she'd love you truly and I pray for your happiness. Someday we'll meet and look back and laugh at our childish mistakes. We will then understand the purpose behind having each other even for a short time, to serve as a lesson that the true meaning of love isn't defined by the distance and lenght of relationship rather the quality of it. I am forever grateful for having you Mr. Sling Guy. You are loved, always.